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Thursday, 23 June 2016

Diva's Diary

Diva's Diary

Dear Diary……
The fact that today may have been the last time he was going to see me in a long time, Didn’t actually change anything,
i fought against going to see him at the terminal, and finally against what i realised to be better judgment, i went.

Even while we talked….  i knew we were secretly wondering what the heck the whole conversation was about.
At first we made small talk  about the weather, about the cute girl who was going to be his seat mate….. You know, stuff like that.

I must admit that while all this was going on, I secretly waited for the fight to start, while he talked i counted in my mind…  it was almost getting disappointing,but  it finally came.
Surprising as it may seem I was anticipating that fight. There was no need for me to pretend it wouldn’t happen.. My only relief was that since we were in a public place he would be civil about it
I indeed knew my man, he was a sucker for appearance. Always concerned about his image in public, but inside the house, he was nothing short of a roaring lion..
 He went on and on about issues, believe me would not interest you at all.
I was quite at first,Not that I didn’t have anything to say,Words were not lacking. What was lacking was the strength to say the things I needed to say. I was filled with emotion, yet drained of passion, because of the things I had seen.
My friend zima once told me that Silence is not always “golden”,It is manipulative,withholding and often times passive aggressive..

In as much as i didn’t want us to say our goodbyes on a sad note, i couldn’t resist not joining the little brawl that had ensued, especially as he said things that were not true  and of course tried to put the blame on me………
I had a lot of time to think, all I ever wanted was a life full of love. My idea of love was one filled with Peace and bubbling with Joy. It is said that Love is the greatest key to this -Peace and Joy. Love is a term we so little understand. Yes, we know its feeling. We are even aware of its stated instructions.
Often times, we make the decisions. But often we also fail to realize that to truly function, love requires so many other things to support it. We’ve been misled to think that Love is all we need.
Songs abound extolling its virtues and proclaiming how love can solve all our problems.
And yet, in this age and time of the abundant love, an ever-increasing number of people feel unloved by the ones who love them.
Perhaps, we do not have enough love.
But something most overlooked is that we often lack those very things Love requires to properly function.
Am certain now this was the perception I had before embarking on this sorrow filled relationship
Silly me i always thought the most beautiful form of love was to let your beloved be happy and respect their judgment.
And that if respecting his judgement meant me enduring a slap, punch or even a scolding every other time. I would gladly do it for love
I mean Is that not love? is it not love to endure whatever pain may come your way as long as they are happy.
I mean love is respectful right?
Is it not love to put on a stoic face and pretend to be ok, or even be an expert at giving others relationship titbits when you can barely put yours together.
I have often times been described to be insensitive and never showing emotions.
People fail to understand that my lack of tears do not indicate lack of affection, in fact it is the greatest act of devotion because that is what it means for me to love.
I  got to learn one really important lesson….. never take life too seriously
Sometimes in life you meet people and you think they complete you and you become stupidly dependent on them… You are so ensnared in this falsehood that you think that without them. You won’t survive
…. that’s the biggest lie in the book
no one can actually complete  you…

many times u stick out your neck too far…
 you try to make people happy, but you don’t really know what it is that they want.. Choosing to build and grow with a man/woman should be a calculated move not a “love is blind and it will take over your life move”
i remember the many conversations we had in the very beginning…
 when we sat out and drank and listened to the birds chipping ..

today i looked up for those same birds, they were there all right, but they weren’t chipping..  the leaves on the tree didn’t even rustle.

Am certain they were listening in on our conversation today…..
you know sometimes when you know something is about to happen to you and that things will never be the same again….
When you walk out a door and you don’t look back
I had that feeling today
It ain’t a good one
DEUCES!!!!!!!!!!!

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